Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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