I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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