I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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