what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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