Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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