He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
