If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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