you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
