the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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