So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
