put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
