im having a threesome with these popsicles
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
