I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You ruined the universe
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
