My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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