If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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