i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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