Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
