do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
