1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
