If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
