and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
