Your dad touched me again.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
