just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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