haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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