While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
