One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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