youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
