I puked a lego.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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