She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
