I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Rumble strips road head = magical
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
