i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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