Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
