look no pants
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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