She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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