I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
