Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
