like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
