At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
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He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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