"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
