Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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