I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
