Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
