I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
