sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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