I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize