I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
