then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize