So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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