hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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