You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
