Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
