This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
