woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
