i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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