Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
birth control should be required to get into college
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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