so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
